I had a panic attack in December. I shut down my blog and was off Twitter for a while, too. You probably didn’t notice. It’s difficult to get your absence noticed in a crowd.
This was probably caused by a lot of things, but ultimately what upset me was that for the first time in my life I noticed the wall of apathy. It’s not that I expected the whole world to care about my personal breakthroughs — but I guess I lived in this space where people telling me from time to time that they liked my work and that it meant something deep to them and that they would like me to do certain things in the future meant they would, in exchange, care a little bit about me.
They didn’t, so I closed my blog off, which isn’t unusual for me. I create when I’m full of passion, I share when I feel joyful, and when I’m sad, things get thrown away.1 “Tsuzuku!!” began as a play on a time some years back when I locked my online accounts behind black and white pictures and the words “to be continued” and I’ve stuck it on as a slogan ever since out of habit. (I made my avatar an ellipsis and I think I’ve actually seen it used somewhere as an album cover.2)
Even before there was Plasterbrain, a lot of my relationships were parasocial. I am more often admired than I am cared for. Increasingly I am aware of the dual impacts of such a dynamic, that there is this kind of art thing or accomplishment which means very different things to different people, that while on the one hand there is the lonely teen who finds a song or game or piece of writing that speaks to them and believes that artist meant it for them personally, there is also the artist who struggles against the persona their fans have crafted for them. You and I, we have a little back and forth like this. My two most popular songs are both tracks I made in about an hour that I nearly threw away and only actually posted on a whim.
I think there’s a place where people are receptive to those sorts of themes, but it’s not here, in the space I’ve cultivated of people who just like some games and music. So I’m changing focus a little bit.
Welcome to my personal dumpster!
I mostly started this blog to talk about freeware indie games. I still love the genre and play those games sometimes (I introduced a friend to Irisu Syndrome the other week!), but when I started college, I began to feel more comfortable with spending money on frivolous things like PC games3, so my tendency to download and gobble up obscure free titles by the bucketful has dwindled quite a bit. The topic is also esoteric, which presents its own challenges — it’s hard to write about and always felt out of place on a blog that had my personal branding.
In trying to share less of my life and focus on what’s important to me, I’m aiming to wrap up such perpetual to-do list items s not letting my blog lapse into too much disrepair. Focusing on reviews I feel creates an expectation of consistent updates. It’s my hope that abandoning semi-regular4 game reviews and re-purposing it as a collection bin-slash-diary will fix this problem. Therefore while my old game-related blog posts haven’t been deleted, they’re no longer online. I may make a separate blog for them someday5, styled like those inexplicably-Spanish freeware horror Blogspot review sites, where they will feel more at home and where I can invite friends to contribute.
In the meantime, the Plasterblog will mostly be for personal garbage, including dreams I remember and feel like writing about6, as well as stuff you might actually like to read, such as my thoughts on writing music and other semi-professional artistic endeavors.
If you’re feeling a great loss over my decision to stop posting freeware reviews (lol), I do sometimes jot down my thoughts for commercial games of a similar nature, which you can find on my Steam.
The other big change is that I’m trying out Patreon’s official WordPress integration. My list of freeware instruments and music-writing glossary are still freely available, but more specific music tutorial posts are now visible to Patreon subscribers only. Subscribe for $2 or more a month to access this tiny treasure trove, or pledge $5 a month or more to request which tutorial topics I cover next.
- New theme and branding. It is Japan. Japan is the branding.
- No more reviews. I may dabble in media analysis and stuff on film but idk.
- Shitty dream posts for my own amusement.
- Some personal essays but they’re password locked.
- More music postmortums and tutorials which are sometimes Patreon exclusive.
- Squid Ink Cookie in the sidebar provides protection and comfort
- Like the song I wrote for my first and only boyfriend, who left me for a Homestuck e-thot. (◡‿◡✿)
- Though first place still goes to the person who used the picture I made for my Gaia Online signature. Bless.
- I don’t know if leaving the freeware scene for game bundle culture is an upgrade or a downgrade. Probably the latter, but look how many keys I have!
- (Humor me here.)
- Honestly, I have to talk about Grappi somewhere. What was that game?
- I have evolved from writing about Yume Nikki to being a yume nikki.